I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
