I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
