Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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