My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
