Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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