Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
