your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize