If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
