Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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