If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
