someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
