I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
