Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
