:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
