Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
