Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
