when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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