Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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