First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
