I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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