Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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