The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
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