So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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