i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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