Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
