He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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