Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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