I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
