I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The power of my boobs compel you
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
