I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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