This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Its about making memories worth repressing
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
