I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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