i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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