Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
