I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize