just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
