Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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