theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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