So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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