the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
