my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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