When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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