He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
