go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
