Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
