this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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