best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
