Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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