I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
