neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
