My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
