She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
