I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
