Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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