when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
