I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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