Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
