I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
