Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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