I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
