Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You can't special order awesome
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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