you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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