She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
