I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
