We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
