So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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