The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
